


Jeg elsker deg til døden. Det er en drapstrussel. / I'll love you till death. It's a death threat.

by busywastinglife



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis, eva is damn lifechanging, non-established relationship, that's the whole point, this and self-indulgence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-11 21:30:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9031112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/busywastinglife/pseuds/busywastinglife
Summary: Chris thought he just needed attention, but the truth is - people need people, there's no escape.1. Prologue2. WilliamSometimes something inside Chris hurts when he thinks of William.3. IbenShe is pretty in his bed, on his Instagram, but the prettiest when he finally gets what he deserves and she’s dumping him.4. InbetweenIsak Valtersen looks royally fucked up and there’s a dirty half-finished joint slipping out of his hand.5. EvaEva’s the end and the beginning to everything.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's honestly a paradox that I am queer and almost everything I read is, but everything I write turns out straight(ish).  
> I also never thought that Penetrator Chris out of all people would turn out so inspiring to me.  
> My mind must like the blanks. So thank you, Julie Andem! (for ruining my life)  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this mess, at least I enjoyed writing it.  
> PS: The title is from a Karpe Diem song and I took it completely out of context. It's unnecessarily dramatic and I love it.  
> PS2: Remember that English is not my first language!

##  Prologue

Chris liked the attention.

He remembers it clearly - his mates liked girls and he liked the attention, no matter where it came from. He would go to any lengths to get it. 

He wanted it all. And he had the means to get it - shiny eyes, cheeky smile, pricey clothes. He learnt to affect people and he enjoyed it - both the process and the effects. The teasing, the fights, the innuendos. 

The time passed and it got deeper and dumber. 

His mates mooned over girls. Chris didn’t want romance, he loved the way girls looked at him when they finally gave in. And he loved the way boys looked at him when he got the prettiest girl.

 

##  William

William was the best, the coolest and the hottest. Every girl wanted to kiss him and every boy wanted to be mates with him, so Chris got there first. Got this calm-eyed and quiet, but smooth-talking kid to like him. 

William moved schools, and soon after they were best friends, playing Fifa together every afternoon. They were both cool, on the verge of cold, except that William was thoroughly damaged and Chris just didn’t care. About anyone but William.

They weren’t inseparable, but were always together at the same time.

Through the years they would go through different mates, girls, questionable hobbies and even more questionable parties but always side by side, always a text away. They were constants in each other lives. 

Sometimes something inside Chris hurt when he thought of William. The trust he had for him felt so heavy compared to the insignificance of his ties to other people. He had his bros, his loyal squad he loved in the most boyish of ways, but his feelings for William were something he couldn't quite label.

***

One time they're smoking on William’s balcony. 

The party has died down and his big apartment is quiet. It's so deep into the night he can feel the tiredness set in his bones and see the horizon soften with a sunrise. 

William says something between one drag and another. Chris catches his eyes with his and when he puts the cigarette down again, Chris puts their mouths together. 

William rolls his eyes, but kisses him back - licks over his dry lip trembling with all kinds of exhaustion. 

He feels himself latch onto William’s wrist like he’s scratching a wound inside himself open and William lets him. He embraces the situation the way he does when he listens to his drunk ramblings. He doesn’t judge and he adjusts - deepens the kiss, bites down on his lip, sneaks a hand under the jacket he’s thrown on to shield himself from the cold and scratches down his abdomen. It’s not a promise, just an affirmation. 

Chris feels his muscles clench up and then the tension finds a way out and starts leaking out of him. 

He remembers the fight with Yakuza that started the whole mess. He remembers William dragging him to the car and the blood leaking all over the leather upholstery the entire way to the apartment. The bruising looked even deeper in the white bathroom lighting. William washed off the drying blood with an alcohol-soaked gauze, pressing way too hard and when the hiss left Chris’ mouth, so did his anxiety.

William can do that.

“You need a girlfriend,” William says when he pulls away.

 

##  Iben

Her name was Iben and she was the prettiest. 

***

She’s pretty in his bed, on his Instagram, but the prettiest when he finally gets what he deserves and she’s dumping him. He sees wild eyes, things getting thrown at him. Says she doesn’t deserve her, her time, her affection, a place in her life. She says he doesn’t care, he doesn’t appreciate her and all that. She says she won’t be his arm candy anymore. 

She’s absolutely right, but then tears start flowing down her face. He doesn’t feel heartbroken, but instinct kicks in and he cradles her in his arms like the prettiest porcelain doll with a beating heart that needs to be healed. She’s his baby, there’s fire inside her and he calls himself an asshole a thousand times, doesn’t think about it afterwards, but his cheeks feel warm for a while.

Iben would never be something he regrets. He thinks of her as one of many puzzles that could have fit in his life, but it was her who made it up a certain picture.

He thinks Iben must have known. With the way he would crave touch the moment alcohol reached his head. The way he wouldn’t care if it was her or William or, basically, whoever. She would ignore the third part and appreciate his thing for William.

He remembers that particular party he got with Eva at.

Iben asks him what he’s gonna go as - it was Halloween. He shrugs and says, “I don’t care about the dress code, they should be grateful I’m there.”

Iben smacks his shoulder and makes a silly Twilight reference, letting him know he’ll be a vampire. He doesn’t roll his eyes (almost) and complies because he likes that silliness of her. How she’s a bit unaware of reality.

She’s smudging liner around his eyes when she says, “My pretty boy. They’re gonna drool all over you.”

“All of them?”, he challenges. There’s heat in her eyes under her raised eyebrows, her hand travels up his thigh and she murmurs confirmation into his neck.

“You wouldn’t mind sharing?”, his voice is teasing, but judging from the flash of anger reflected on her face, she knows that with him these things are only partly a joke. But, as always, she regains composure and a sweet smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“I should probably give you a pass, like in the movies. Would you like that?” Iben straddles him and pushes him down onto the bed. She’s already all dressed up and looking like a picture of pure innocence. 

“Huh?”

“Oh, you know, you get a pass to mess around with a certain person and I can’t have anything against it,” she explains patiently, absent-mindedly running her sharp fingernail up and down his cheek.

“What, like a celebrity?”

“Nah,” she giggles, “I was thinking William.”

He rolls his eyes and wonders if she can sense how hot his face has got. 

“You absolute perv,” he drawls. It’s not a joke, she is one. Sometimes he really likes it, but sometimes it makes him feel a bit… uncomfortable. He supposes it’s fair, though. Supposes that’s how girls feel with him.

“Mmm, and I was thinking you could wear lipstick. That would be real hot, you know?”

##  Inbetween

(He’s sitting in that damn car, waiting to drive William to the airport, to drive his best friend away from him. 

He overhears the conversation outside. That poor girl is just another person William is running away from. But it doesn’t come as a surprise. It’s not shocking when he hears William go with that cliche: “I’m cold because that’s the way I am”. He almost wants to nod at that, because that sounds reasonable and comforting. Like they’re back on their territory. 

But they’re not and William is leaving them all, no exceptions.

When he has to turn back maybe 5 minutes later, he knows William is coming back to Noora, but not to him.)

After William left for London and Iben was long gone, a distant memory, Chris got a bit lost. 

***

He’s at some shitty high school party he only decided to attend to casually bump into Eva. That is pathetic enough, but to make matters worse Eva is currently going through one of her one week boyfriend phases. 

Chris takes a gulp of his beer and doesn’t expect it to be this bitter.

He doesn’t really know anyone around here and he doesn’t care to. At this point he just wants to get fucked up. And maybe something more. There are many different possibilities and he’ll take what life gives him. It’s worked for him this far. Sort of.

He decides to start it off with a nice piss. There are no suspicious noises coming from the bathroom so he strides in with confidence and pulls his zipper down.

He’s getting out his dick over the toilet when he sees the kid in the bathtub. Isak Valtersen? He does sort of know him, doesn’t he? 

Isak Valtersen looks royally fucked up and there’s a dirty half-finished joint slipping out of his hand. 

Isak manages to focus on Chris - and his dick, from underneath his heavy eyelids and he blushes. Chris holds his gaze with a smirk. He’s up for that joint, he doesn’t care. He finishes his business, never looking away from Isak’s face and heads for the bathtub. 

“Mind sharing?” he gestures for the spliff.

Isak shrugs, looking like the simple motion costs him a lot of energy and lifts his hand to offer Chris a drag. He takes it and enjoys the smoke filling him up. He takes a seat next to Isak. 

The bathtub is surprisingly comfortable and cool on his heated up skin. He realises he’s now touching Isak from his shoulders all the way down to where they’re sitting. Isak’s head is leaning against the wall and he looks, for the lack of better word, pretty. 

And if he does, in fact, look pretty, then why the hell not. 

Chris leans in and kisses him, his mouth already open. Isak hadn’t choked on the smoke, but now it sounds like the air suffocated him. Chris laughs and taps his cheek. Boy needs to get his shit together. 

When he finally loosens up, he seems to enjoy it, so Chris’ instinct must still be working. Luckily, it’s never betrayed him before, he doesn’t want his nose broken again. 

They slide down the enamel wall and settle on the bottom. Isak’s lying down and Chris is over him, his knees bracketing the other boy’s legs. He looks down on Isak’s puzzled face. He’s being decisive tonight, so he reaches for his zipper.

And then, for the first time in his life, Chris sucks dick. He thinks of all the girls that have done it for him and wonders if they liked it this much. He wonders if they felt so in power like he does now. But maybe it’s just because of Isak, looking all flushed and overwhelmed below him.

(Yes, he swallows, he’s badass like that. He only regrets it for a few minutes and washes his teeth six times.)

Fast forward a few months and he hears about Isak Valtersen  again. He’s Nissen’s gay icon now, apparently. Chris snickers, but he’s fond. 

He gets to meet Isak’s famous boyfriend, when he finds himself at a second-year kosegruppa christmas party. His extremely casual hookups with Eva honestly take him the weirdest places. 

Isak’s hosting this thing, so they find him in the centre, cuddled up to a tall guy, with that guy’s possessive hand on his thigh. They walk up to say hallå and the moment Chris actually sees the guy he splutters. Or maybe it’s more of an incredulous laugh. Blonde quiff, sparkly eyes, puffy lips, big hands? Yeah.

“Didn’t we make out at a Bakka party last year?”

Chris is aware that it’s a hell of a greeting, but he can’t help himself.

Even impresses him with shrug and a cheeky smirk.

“Good to see you, mate, god jul!”

Isak Valtersen looks like he’s been given the biggest headache in his life.

Eva raises her eyebrow and crosses her arms on her chest and is looking generally very happy with herself, but Chris will let her know that she didn’t prove her point. The situation may be ridiculous, but he would never find himself in the middle of it if it wasn’t for her.

In fact - Eva’s the end and the beginning to everything.

 

##  Eva

Eva was different. He actually liked her. At first, when she’d been tripping at every possibility, causing all the available drama and even more so when she changed. 

***

For the first time in his life he doesn't expect it when she pulls him in at her house party he wasn't invited to. She kisses him with the force of a slap he was anticipating. 

He doesn't expect it when she stops by to drop off a sweater he abandoned at that party and he fucks her hard in his bed. 

(At first it’s supposed to be the simplest make out, back at some party, one of many in row. His graduation is right around the corner and so is Eva, leaning against the kitchen counter, shiny and delicious. 

Then they decide to share a cab ride. No matter how far apart they live, it seems sensible and convincing at the time. 

He can’t resist reaching under her skirt. All he can think about is how it must be the wildest thing she’s ever got up to - getting fingered in a cab. Her insides feel so warm he thinks his fingers and her pussy are gonna melt together and the cab windows must be steamed up.

Not a single thought about reciprocation crosses his mind. 

He walks her up to the front door and waits till he sees the basement window light up. When he wakes up in the same basement a few months later, covered by a duvet that is way too warm, the absurdity of it all is something he cannot shake off.)

When he’s inside her she has that dazed look on her face, the same he remembers from when they first kissed and when she pushed him away and from the parties she attended after breaking up with that boyfriend of hers. She seemed so out of it. 

He loved watching her stumble and make out with her friends, remembering how adorable she had been before he ruined that. 

He wants to take the blame with pride, even though he probably doesn't deserve the credit. Maybe he just wants to feel like he had an impact on her life, wasn't just a simple passer-by. 

He loves biting her neck when her eyes go completely foggy. 

When they finish he falls on his back and Eva’s eyes turn alert. She props her head up on her hand and looks through him. With a single raise of her eyebrows she makes him feel exposed.

After that, they fall into a loop.

They drift to each other at parties, Eva catches him by his collar and later digs her fingernails deep into his back. It’s all a brutal force, same for the way she gets into his head.

(His mum, who he almost never sees around his big house anymore, somehow manages to meet her. She considers her his friend, which she expresses with polite astonishment after she walks in on them drinking tea on the living room couch).

Despite all this, it’s not near a committed relationship. She isn't even the only person he hooks up with. He makes out with girls, right in front of her. And sometimes he makes out with boys.

He realises it was a bad idea, when she decides to mention the latter. 

It’s been a long time since they’d started to mess around, he doesn't even want to think how long exactly. 

Eva yawns and casually says, “What’s up with you and boys.”

He shoots her a look, even though he tries not to.

“ _ What  _ is supposed to be up with me and boys.”

She yawns again in contrast to the weird nervousness starting to tingle somewhere near his spine.

“You're always making out with boys,” she states like it's just a simple fact.

“Watching me, babe?” he teases but it feels like he’s clinging to his own cliché. 

“Everyone is, you're not exactly hiding. Never have.” She gives him a flat look from where she's still sprawled out on his bed, hair a mess on the mattress. 

“Yeah, you've been to the Penetrator parties,” he props himself up against the headboard. “That's how we are, always hooking up. Or were, at least. “

His voice trembles at the end and he rakes his fingers through his hair and scratches his naked chest. He hears Eva hum beside him.

“Is that a motto of yours? It really does sound dumb. And no, everyone’s not doing that. They make out with girls. Exclusively.” 

“ _ Jesus Christ,  _ Eva, does it matter? It's just making out, high school stuff.

Chris’ voice goes through a weird roller-coaster - starts with sharp annoyance and then softens when he turns his head to actually look at Eva. 

“I'm in high school and the only person making out with boys is Isak. And Isak is out and only making out with one boy anyway.”

He fights through the gulp at the mention of Isak and gives a pointed look at where the duvet is slipping off Eva's chest. 

“Well, I'm not gay”.

She shakes her head and states, matter-of-factly, “I'm saying you're bi.”

He rolls his eyes.

“There's no need to build theories around what I do at parties.”

“Okay, so it’s just a party thing. And you wouldn’t go further than a make out with a guy?”

As an answer he offers her an arrangement of exasperated sighs. Apparently that’s not enough to brush her off, because the squeal that escapes her is so loud she feels the need to cover her mouth. 

“Oh my god, you already did, didn’t you!” It’s an accusation, but the pure joy behind it lessens the threat. Chris almost feels sheepish.

“Oh god, still, does it matter?” he groans, rubbing his face. “There are no feelings involved, therefore - not gay.”

He hopes she’ll share this logic with him. 

Eva opens her mouth, but he cuts her off with a “No, I’m not telling you who it was.”

She should be thankful, frankly, that knowledge would kill her.

She doesn’t look discouraged, instead stretches out lazily. He fixates on the pink of her nipples tightening in the cool air.

“Did you have any feelings for Iben, though? I mean, did you love her or anything close?”

He shakes his head after the tiniest moment of hesitation and sincerely feels somehow guilty. 

“Didn’t think so.” Eva scrambles to her feet and heads for the bathroom. She’s still completely naked and her butt moves in a way that both makes him completely transfixed and relaxed after the whole useless discourse. 

When she’s at the door she looks at him over her shoulder.

“Did you ever like any girl?”

Silence in the room stretches to uncomfortable lengths before he finally opens his mouth.

“No.”

Sometimes he drives her to school.  The first time it happens out of the blue. 

Eva keeps repeating she has to be back home for the night. He eats her out till she’s looking feverish and falls asleep in his bed. 

In the morning she’s the first thing he sees and he would feel guilty over how nice that felt but Eva’s clearly in panic. So he looks on in amusement.

“Shit, shit, shit…” she’s muttering her mantra elbow deep in her bag, nervously glancing at her phone in the other hand. Always a hot mess.

He licks his lips.

“What did you manage to fuck up this time?” 

She doesn’t react to the dig nor to the note of fondness in his voice.

“I have this really important Norwegian test on first period and I’m already fucking late,” she moans. “Do you know if I can get a bus from here?”

He shrugs and it’s a shrug of a rich kid with a car.

“How would I know?”

“You’ve had your licence for like 2 years max,” she snarks and her bag tumbles to the floor scattering the contents all over it.

“Well, if there was a bus, you’ve missed it anyway”.

He lazily gets off the bed and adjusts his boxers.

“I’m making you breakfast and driving you to school anyway, so…”

Eva looks so genuinely shocked he feels offended. 

One day they're day walking to get the groceries. She's staying at his for the weekend - an unspoken agreement. Her girls are away and busy and uni makes him sick, so she's staying at his. They're gonna wear sweats and watch shitty TV and slowly but surely get drunk on whiskey and coke. 

They're walking and suddenly her arm brushes against his and he has the most childish thought. He wonders if he should take her hand in his. She's not cold - as always wearing her thick mittens and they're not  _ together  _ but they are in fact walking together. They kiss on the mouth both hello and goodbye, should they hold hands on the way to the shop?

This thought makes him nervous, maybe for the first time in his life or at least for the first time since primary school and the concept is so ridiculous he pushes it all to the back of his head. 

But then Eva hooks her arm around his. He looks down at her and she's not looking back. Her phone's in her hand and she's struggling to check the time with her mittens still on. Her nose is cutely scrunched up over her warm scarf. She's not overthinking it.

Sometimes he picks her up from school. It feels ridiculous. Like he's picking up his little second grade girlfriend. Like he's gonna go and help her carry her backpack and then hold her hand over the gearshift, his other hand on the wheel. Like he's gonna kiss her by the door and make all the Nissen girls envy her and…

Anyway he's parked round the corner, because Eva does not want people to know they're doing what(ever) they're doing. Or he doesn't actually know why, because it must be common knowledge with the way they're all over each other at this school’s every damn party. 

“Why do I have to park here, again?”

Eva gives him an unimpressed look from where she's getting into the passenger seat.

“Because I don't want the reputation of your hoe?” 

“My hoe,” he nearly giggles with joy. “I like that!”

“You would,” she nods and punctuates it with an eyeroll.

For some reason, it prompts him to lean over the mentioned gearshift and lick into her mouth. She gives in easily. When they pull back, after a longer while, and look through the front window, two girls standing down the street abruptly turn around with a loud burst of laugh.

Since then, it's common knowledge. 

They leave the kosegruppa christmas party quite early and quite sober for their standards. Eva stops on the sidewalk just outside the door and looks up. 

The night is bright with festive illuminations and snow is falling in a delicate, romantic comedy way. It’s the final scene.

A snowflake lands on Eva’s eyelashes, lit up by a string of lights hanging off the nearby tree. 

If it’s supposed to be a sign from a god, Chris find it to be an overkill. He feels as if his chest is going to burst any moment now. 

Eva blinks a few times, her lips stretched in a blissful smile and her cheeks already pinked up by the freezing air. Then she looks at him and realisation dawns on her face.

“Oh, oh, Chris,” she utters and he has no idea what she wants to say by this barely there whisper but he’s never been more terrified. 

She has no mittens on today, so when her fingers touch his face he thinks that maybe they’re going to freeze together forever and he thinks maybe he wouldn’t mind.

“It’ll be such a mess, the two of us,” (something in his stomach drops at this, but only to jump up again), “but we know mess.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I'd appreciate comments :)


End file.
